Thursday, December 30, 2010

The HAWK!!!

I just came back from a trip to the downtown area of Phoenix, on a day when the mercury did not go up in it's normal fashion. What I'm trying to say is, it was frickin' cold! I saw things that I've never seen before and had a hard time getting my 64 year old mind wrapped around it. The thing that stands out most in my mind, was a homeless woman, who I originally thought to be an alcoholic by the red tone to her face, wrapped up tightly in a blanket, sitting on a bus stop bench with clearly nowhere to go. Then I realized she was red because of the severe cold. For us it was blistering cold. My car temperature read it to be 51 degrees, but I passed an outside temperature reading of 48 and that was at 3 PM. Here is another look that you folks in the rest of the country except Florida and Southern California, have probably seen, but here in the Valley of the Sun, we've not had a chance to enjoy until today, are the people that wear a baseball cap and a hoody over it, creating the look of a duck-billed platypus walking down the street! Now that's a fashion statement.

Arriving at my appointment, I opened the door to my car and immediately the wind grabbed the door and sprung it to it's widest possible opening without breaking the hinge. Being from Chicago, a flashback came over me and without warning, I belched out the words, "THE HAWK" is back and after me! The hawk is the name given to the wind coming in off of Lake Michigan, that holds the city hostage for most of the winter months. Not a friendly wind by any means, it waits in unknown areas just waiting to pounce on unsuspecting tourists and take away their breath and hats, all in one smooth gasping motion. No, the HAWK was not a memory of passion, but of terror!

My next stop was to go to the grocery store, but I realized it was far too cold for anything but huddling under a blanket and out of the severe elements. Do you think I've been here in the sunshine too long?

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

It Finally Came Today!!!

In 1996, I married a woman. A very charming lady that loved me as much as I loved her. Or so it seemed. When you join lives, certain things become obvious that otherwise would not be noticed. The thing that I noticed was that she literally had no friends. It wasn't because she wasn't a pleasant lady, she was. People liked her when they met her, but she didn't embrace their closeness and otherwise gave them the "deep freeze". I never understood this, but since she was warm and inviting to me, it really didn't effect me. She and her 2 sisters were bound at the hips, along with Mom who developed a 4 times a day calling habit, but only on days she wasn't with Mom, which was way too much for a newlywed.

When it came time to invite people for our wedding, she was at a loss, but filled in with people that worked for the same company that she had worked for, so most of our guests came from out of town. Basically, my friends and family were there and the rest were virtually strangers to both of us. They came from California in a big group, mostly travelling together and when the nuptials were, over they all split.

We lived our lives and about 5 years later, almost to the day, she advised me that she wasn't happy and 12 days later she was gone, lock, stock and barrel. With the exception of a 5 minute conversation initiated by me about 4 years ago, we never spoke and were never in touch................ever.

Getting back to the group that came for the wedding.. The same group of people started sending Christmas cards and as time went by, slowly but surely the number of cards from these strangers stopped. At this point I have been divorced from the lovely lady for 9 years and still, to this day and I mean today, I got the Christmas card that still shows up every year. Now what am I supposed to do? Notify them that the recipient of their card and myself are no longer known to each other or just hope that one day the cards will stop? Last year I almost wrote them a note, but stopped when I realized how awkward it felt. Is there some pride attached to having a long Christmas Card List and these total strangers don't want their list lowered by even one? Or are they waiting for me to return their wedding gift to get their attention? Anyway, if anyone out there happens to know the Edingtons, please tell them to cool it! Thanks...

Ralph Lloyd Juriansz--Dishonest Dentist

I just got a call from the Arizona Board of Dentistry. First she confirmed that I was indeed who she was calling then progressed to giving me the follow up information concerning my complaint against a Ralph Lloyd Juriansz. The Board found in my favor and some monies in restitution have been found due to me in settlement, however I did not attend the hearing and didn't supply the amount of money that I am inconvenienced by the entire fiasco. However she added a caveat. The caveat was that the good dentist in question took the high road and split. His office in Scottsdale is closed and his residence has been abandoned. Basically he has disappeared into thin air. What the kind lady was telling me was, I can pursue this action and win, however the point is moot because they cannot find dishonest dentist to collect from and he has taken the high road, along with my $3500.

So this story will go down in the archives as one of those "would have, should have" things that clearly explain why you should research every professional that you deal with, but I know going forward that I will probably not do anything differently, but that just me. I'm just sayin'....

*Footnote- I just knew something was amiss when the Chase Bank reversed their decision in my dispute for the $3500. I suspect they realized that "dishonest dentist" was long gone and came after me to collect.

Friday, December 24, 2010

I Wonder if they have for Cats???

Well I just got the "down low" on Braveheart. Yes Braveheart, the cross dressing kitty that won my heart a few days ago. Here I was singing sweet nothings to this little girl, when all the while she/he is a transvestite kitty. Yesterday, he/she spent the entire day with me, cuddled up under my arm as I watched TV, only because he/she was asleep and I didn't want to awaken her/him. Kitty, who I had re-named "Needie", since he/she was so dependent upon me, or so it seemed, at some point got a little too gassy for me and hopped off my lap and went to the door. I got the message! About 2 hours later he/she was back for the evening, only to get that prowling look in his/her eye, so I let Needie out again. At 10:30, I was tucked tightly in bed reading, when Needie was at the sliding door again just howling up a storm, but he/she was getting too dependent upon me, so I let him/her howl and about 3 minutes later he/she was gone.

This morning he/she was back, but I didn't acknowledge "it's" presence, but went about my business. At some point I went out to get my mail this afternoon and saw a young lady coming out of the house two doors down. I stopped her and asked if the tan cat that hangs around the streets were hers? She said, no. but it belongs to one of her roommates, another young girl and she told me her name and that she had had Braveheart for many years, since she were a little girl. So much for Needie being neither a girl or youthful. This cross dressing kitty, female impersonator, is no spring chicken either. Just as I was standing there chatting with this lady, guess who walks up to us, not knowing who to approach first. but Braveheart. He takes one look at the situation and walks calmly away, as only a cat can, and walks into the open garage 3 doors down and enters the house like he owns the place. It turns out that Braveheart sleeps around!

Now that I realize what a two timing cat, Braveheart is, I thought I could just go to the pound and get my own kitty, when suddenly I remembered I don't even want a cat!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

I Don't Even Know Her Name...

I really don't know what's wrong with me, but again for the second time in my life, I find myself having an affair. She's cute too. She lives two door down from me, which is better than last time, when she lived next door. I was ashamed then and I'm just as ashamed this time, although it's at least 45 years that have passed since the first. The word adorable never meant anything to me until I met her. It might be love!

Today, she snuck away and spent the entire afternoon with me, checking out my place here. Most of the time she was close to me and sometimes almost intimate. I can't seem to tell her no. She cuddles up with me and sits on my lap and I can't resist her. Oh, the ways the feminine gender have about them. As I mentioned, she resides 2 doors down from my current place, but I'm moving from here and not a minute too soon. That will put an end to this madness. Whenever I walk down to my mailbox cluster, she's out in her driveway with some guy and she doesn't look at me, nor I at her, but I nod to the dude she's with. She just goes about her business like I don't mean a thing to her and it actually hurts my feeling to not speak to her. But it is for the best, I'm sure. Soon this escapade with be over and she can go back to her everyday existence. I'll forget her when I don't see her everyday too.

She just left, I opened the door and she snuck out into the night, to her place. She'll be back tomorrow though. For dinner we split a steak and I found myself feeding her by hand, in that romantic way we do when we're in love.. I'm in deeper than I intended. I thought it would be a few laughs and a little petting, but it's gotten out of hand. I'm going to miss this one, I'm sure!

Friday, December 17, 2010

Correction, Retraction or Some Damned Thing...

It appears that my obnoxious plea to Qwest was heard by the powers that be and a gentleman named Rich actually phoned me the following day. He was a gentleman and did his very best to resolve my current dilemma. He credited my $69.23 that was created without warrant and asked if there were anything else he could do to satisfy me. I thanked him and he referred me to his website, "" in the future if there are any future problems. So it turns out that the squeaky wheel sometimes gets oil. At least it did this time! Now if we can convince Chase Bank to operate more legitimately, it would be a good Christmas.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

A Clear and Present Danger...

Addy 51

There is a strange phenomenon going on around these here parts and I think it's kind of strange. Suddenly, without warning, I'm being accosted by youthful attractive women. Keep in mind my 64.8 years when reading the word "youthful" as that word can be subjective depending where you got on and where you're getting off! The ages are 47, 47
and 51. There was another one aged 49, whose picture is currently not available. Four is enough for me to create a phenomenon.

Here's what I think is going on. I think these lovely ladies just realized they were going to awaken Christmas day alone unless they make some strong aggressive arrangement right now, thus creating the urgency being displayed. Here lies the problem though. Not a single one of them was able to form an interesting sentence when writing to me. Their emails consisted of one line introductions and some with misspelled words. The one not pictured, a Paula, was a genuine psycho that recently escaped from a loony bin.

One of our ladies, one of the 47 year olds, Lilly had made me a favorite on Match and then went immediately invisible, meaning she hid her profile. One day it appeared on my screen and it was one of those negative profiles, describing how she is really too good for this silly website, but is reduced to using it to find a mate and then went ahead and told of all the things she doesn't like about men. Because it was late and she was kind of cute and little, only 5' tall, I sent her a wink. The next morning there was an email from her waiting for me, saying "What are you going to do, keep on winking until you develop a tick in your eye"? Pretty attractive, huh? I sent her a reply explaining the beauty of Sarcasm and how it should be applied. I'll paste it on here for your reading experience.

How to Win Friends & Influence People.
It's apparent to me that your experience in sarcasm is limited and unaccomplished. Please don't take offense, but sarcasm, like a delicate bird, must be treated like a fine wine. Nurtured and hinted at, without a direct hit. You can never open with sarcasm, as it puts the recipient on notice that there is more to come. But, in fact, it needs to be slipped in like a sharp sabre, unnoticed until you twist said instrument, for a maximum effect.

You are somewhat of a mystery to me, but I'm not sure I want to follow this mystery to the end. Like a moth dancing around a bright light, you flicker in and out of Match availability not knowing where to light. From a distant standpoint, you made me a "favorite", but were unavailable for inspection, then bopped in and bopped out.

So Lilly, What's up with you?

Her reply said she likes to learn something new everyday. Huh, WTF? That was her reply to my delicate, fragile email? I was DONE! She will be alone for Christmas, I'm sure!

The others were similar, yet different but don't warrant discussing here. Addy was sexy and provocative, but left a lot to be desired in her dialogue with me. I guess I'll be alone for Christmas too.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Why is Qwest still in Business?

It seems that the only way I get my problems with Qwest resolved is to advertise on this blog, about how inefficient they are. I'm a relatively new customer with them, but won't be when I move, hopefully. I don't recall ever having been treated this poorly in past business with similar companies. Cox padded my bill repeatedly, but as long as you police it, they stop. Qwest is just plain dumb! They must not pay very well, because the people working for them haven't been able to figure out the internal workings of their own system. I've dealt with numerous employees of Qwest that were never able to help me in the least, but each and every one of them concluded that problems were solved, only for them to appear blatantly the following month. Here's the deal, Lucille! Every month I get about 2 bills from them. This in itself is wrong, but I pay each one. Sometimes, it's a credit for about 40 bucks and others are a bill for about $50 to $80. I pay them the day that I receive them. Once, I got a bill that said -$40 and paid it thinking it was a bill, but it was a credit. I never got a refund, just more credits, along with more bills.

Yesterday, I got a bill for $69.23 and it was with a different account number that I'd never seen. Now if I pay every bill the day that it comes, how can this be my past due bill? The bill said it was painfully in arrears and if I didn't pay it immediately it would impact my credit adversely, plus they were going to disconnect my service! Oh shit! I called the number on the bill and they said my account was perfect, but they were Direct TV. They gave me the number of Qwest and I talked to about 3 more reps, none of which were the correct department, but still wanted to hear it all. Then they would connect me to another useless employee in another wrong department, until I finally got Jason. Jason would not connect me with a supervisor, in spite of me being on my knees begging, without hearing the entire story once again. After which, he put me on forever "hold", you know the one where they play their brainwashing into your ear, over and over again. Finally Jason comes back and begs my patience again and goes for lunch, I think, because that time he was gone forever and a day! When he came back, I begged for a return call while he does his magic and he agrees and says he'll call me back before 5 PM, but never said which day, because he sure as hell didn't call me back yesterday or today. Then today, Qwest has the nerve to send me a questionnaire asking how Jason did on my phone call yesterday. Jason must have been someones nephew that was higher but got what he deserved, a horrible report from me, because that's exactly the service that I got. Good Day Madam, I said Good Day!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Out All Night Again...

After a wonderful evening out last night, I drove home on the 101 without having to worry about cops and not worrying about having a hangover this morning and being able to think clearly about the evenings offerings, I don't regret giving up drinking one bit! That's one battle I've won!

The evening started out with me bringing my vacuum cleaner over to the Lovely Jules' home and we headed out to the neighborhood open air market that takes place in the shopping center that Tutti Santi's is in. So naturally after shopping a tad, not me, but Jules, we settled onto their charming patio for a glass of wine. Again, not me, but Jules. I enjoyed a Diet Coke and the environment along with the company. Since there were not another paying customer in the entire restaurant, we had enough service to choke a horse. An army of wait staff brought us menus and water and rolls and butter and I think we felt bad not ordering dinner, so we did. We decided to share one entree, as neither of us were hungry enough to eat an entire meal. The waiter asked if we wanted to split the food ourselves or if we wanted it done in the kitchen, but it was $3.95 more if they did it? Jules yelled, "hell no, not for four bucks!" (I hid under the table). When the laughter stopped we started again, just for general attitude. Our entree came and we split it right at the table, it was wonderful as would be expected for $23.95 for dead chicken. Julie still suffering from a gimp wrist, I did most of the carving. We ate, we laughed, we enjoyed the evening. When I returned from a rest room visit and a short talk with Matao, the owner's son, I found Jules entertaining an elderly gentleman, even older than I. They were discussing her camera that goes everywhere she goes and he was nice enough to take some pictures, as shown on this post. She was pretty busy duruing the time I was in the restroom, as she also, unknown to me, paid the entire check! That NEVER happens to me! So it appears that the Lovely Jules was extra Lovely last night!

When I was leaving I thought to take her old vacuum cleaner with me as they are seldom broken, just clogged up. This afternoon I took her vacuum apart to find enough dog hair to make at the very least a puppy, out of. I no sooner got it all put back together and my friendly neighborhood kitty came visiting, she must have smelled dog. I kind of lost track of kitty as I was assembling the vacuum, but found her all cuddled up in a spare bedroom in a bed that she asked if could be hers. I approved and that is where kitty is right now. In her room all cuddled up in her new bed, as displayed here.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

A Chance Meeting...

I ran into an old girlfriend of mine, an entrepreneur of sorts. She's on the verge of opening a new business and asked me if I'd play Guinea pig for her. We were at a grocery store when this chance meeting took place. If you know anything at all about me, grocery shopping and having your finger nail pulled out with a pliers fell under the same category. Her new business involves buying groceries for people, (she immediately had my attention) cooking it up into meals and packaging it for heating or storage. She made me an offer that I couldn't refuse. She said that if I pay for the groceries and she'll pick them out, she'll cook the food and present it to me in the ready to eat condition. I signed on the bottom line. While she was shopping her little heart out, I heard an announcement over the PA system that said, "FLU SHOTS $12."

When I arrived at the pharmacy section of Fry's, I was expecting a stampede, but was the only one there to get a shot. A pleasant young lady approached me and asked if she could assist me and I replied, "I'm here for the $10 flu shot"... She quizzically looked at me and said, "You mean the $12 flu shot?" I replied, that this was my beginning to my negotiation! She laughed and took my vital information. She asked me if I were allergic to anything and I replied, "Yes, Black Tar Heroine". She was laughing pretty good by the time she stuck me with the jagged, rusty needle! She informed me that I may experience a little stiffness from the shot, as she injected it into my muscle. About an hour later, as my useless arm hung swinging freely from my shoulder, I wondered if she did it on purpose, since I was such a smart ass? That sucker was SORE!

I met my friend at the check-out section and charged $118 on my card. She went home with my groceries and I went home with a sore arm, wondering if I'd ever hear from my lost groceries and my friend again. I'll keep you posted!

Friday, December 3, 2010

Grey Hair is Good on Schnauzers and Men...

A 53 year old woman named Veronica, made me a "favorite" on one of the dating services and I remained there for about a month, not responding because her gray hair was such a "turn off" to me. Eventually bored one night, I wrote her a cute little note, explaining that I was busy doing brain surgery, when a courier entered the operating room with an important note for me. It said that Veronica had made me a "favorite" and it required my immediate attention. She responded with some "small talk" and it was then that I slyly inquired as to why she didn't color her hair. In her note, she also inquired as to what scared me, thus the response, Kryptonite. I also told her that I lived quite a distance from her in Phoenix.

Her email was so confusing to me that I have just kept it, without replying simply because I don't have a clue as to what she's asking.

Hmmmm. I know that there is no such thing as coincidence or accidents. At least that's what I believe to be true. So when I read "Kryptonite" I immediately understood that not only does this guy "get me" but that this guy "really gets me". I've been accused of being somewhat similar to this material. "Force of nature" might be a less toxic quality. Hence my response, "oops". Another one bites the dust. Then, I see your email on my computer this morning. I must confess. You are my first correspondence this time around and I thought, "Oh, no, here we go again." I'm sorry. I shamefully admitted in my profile...this scene is just grueling. This is WORK. Plain and simple. But, I digress. My dear, there are several miles spanning the globe from the San Tan and Denver. Phoenix? Do people really live there? You're my first known. And no, my place of employment is approximately 5 miles from my home.
Mel, you are correct. The real connection occurs beyond this scene. But the only way out is through so on a certain level we need to entertain this form of connection. Fact finding. Red Flag Searching. Resonance. Vibrational and Frequency Similarities. And more.
I chose to discontinue coloring my hair about ten years ago. I come from a long line of Irish whose hair is prematurely grey (mine at 18 years of age). I saw a photograph of a young model with white hair and brought it to my colorist and she said, yes, my hair was that white. I decided at that moment to never again color it. By far, the most courageous decision I've ever made. My sisters counseled me to reconsider..."men don't like women with grey hair, you know". It's okay I replied. If a man desires me or not because of the color of my hair, I'm in trouble.
For this message, let me just summarize a bit. I'm certainly not the one most men desire and are looking for on this site. That I know without doubt. Ironically, I have no drama or any of the sorts of things men write that they despise. But I do come with a unique set of qualities unlike many women here.
Please share yours.

Now here is my opinion of grey hair on women. It gives me the impression that they have given up. That they are no longer players in the game of romance. It is a major turn off to me and portrays the grandmother look. If that's the role that they want to play in life then fine, but to try the arena of romance with grey hair is just wrong. Well that ought to generate some comments!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

More Bad News from Chase Bank...

I just got an urgent email from Chase Bank. Sure, when they want to talk to me, I respond. Well they caught my attention by asking if I had authorized a charge to Conn Ed in Michigan for $1394.10, because sure as hell there is one! (I kind of put that in my own words) I put down the Blackberry and went to the computer, as this was going to require a full 17" of viewing space. Yep, it was really from Chase Bank and not some hoax, just trying to get my account information. I clicked on "unauthorized" and that opened an emergency screen. I felt a little like James Bond. It told me to re-click and verify that the charge to the Michigan electric company was bogus and that a representative from Chase Bank would call me in a few minutes to discuss the issue. I clicked and waited, but not for too long, when my cell started playing it's song. I answered, hello. Pretty unique, huh? No one was there, so I realized it was a voice activated recording calling me. It was. It informed to hold for a representative, I did. Here was the bottom line. She asked me what the last thing I bought with the credit card was. A million things went through my mind. Should I tell them that I bought a TV at Walmart or should I let them think the thief bought it? I panicked and blurted out, I BOUGHT A TV! She calmed me down and asked if it was at Walmart? I told her it was. I confessed. Realizing my career as a crook was over when I couldn't even lie to a stranger on the phone, I told her about the Prilosec I'd bought there as well.

She then told me to destroy my credit card and the account was cancelled, due to fraud. I told her that I'd just authorized AT&T to charge my monthly cell phone bill to it and she assured me that it was my problem, but did suggest I contact them. She said they would send me a new credit card in 5 to 10 days and to listen to the message after she hangs up.

By the way, this is the same bank that fell so pathetically short when it came to protecting me from the crooked dentist. They sure are managing to cover their own asses though. That's what I get for shopping at Walmart!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Here Kitty Kitty...

Everyday, when I walk to the mailbox, a tan cat comes out from under a Chevy Suburban and says hello to me. He or she may live under that car when it's parked there. Occasionally, he or she is in my backyard and recently has started coming in and checking things out. I don't push myself on this cat, as he or she is as elusive as any cat I've ever known, so we seem to have this understanding between the two of us. Let's call her she, since that's exactly how she acts. She acts like every woman I've ever been interested in, evasive and elusive and hard to get. Being rather experienced at this game, I don't want to rush into anything. I just leave her alone to roam around my digs and feel comfortable.

Today I was in my recliner watching "The View", when suddenly tan cat jumps up on my lap and I realize we have crossed a new barrier. She lays on my lap and purrs as I stroke her. Then she rolls over on her back and wants to play, as I scratch her belly. She play-bites me and play-claws me. Then without warning she started using her claws in a rather painful and damaging fashion and I realized this cat doesn't really know the rules. Now bleeding from my wrist and a few places on my upper arms. I kind of insist Kitty gets the hell off of me. I now know Kitty isn't really house broken, thus the Chevy Suburban. I decide to wash a few dishes that are in the sink and Kitty jumps up on the counter and watches me. Again now without warning, she goes airborne and leaps over the double sink to the other side where there are more interesting things to explore. Frankly, I thought that was way cool! Washing my dishes, I kept a corner of one eye on Kitty who was now walking across the stove, confirming no indoor experience.

Luring the Kitty outside, I took my garbage down to the road and swiftly re-entered my yard alone, quickly closing the gate behind me. About 5 minutes later, Kitty was stretching out on my patio sunbathing. I think I'll keep Kitty as an outside friend.

While consuming a cheeseburger for lunch, I couldn't help but notice my big double temporary crown was in the chewed up burger about to be swallowed, when I took it out of my mouth wondering what to do next in my attempt to have chewing teeth. I suspect a new dentist is in my immediate future................again. You can bet I'll check him out BEFORE I use him this time.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Love at

I received a charming email from a 58 year old woman named Simone. She indicated she was interested in me and would I like to correspond with her. She had no picture posted, but I've actually had good luck with a couple of women that did not post pictures, if you want to call MJ and Dippy good luck? So I wrote to her explaining that being a man, I'm a very visual creature and could she send me a picture or two, to my email address. Being cautious, I gave her an email address that I no longer use. Above are the two pictures she sent. As you can see, she didn't want to be seen and I'll bet doughnut to door knobs, there's a pretty good reason for that.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Teaching My Turkey to Fly...

In case you didn't notice, yesterday was Thanksgiving and for that I was thankful. Gathered together with loved one, we consumed my 4 year old turkey. He was almost a family member, he had been with me so long. It's not like I was taking a chance by serving him up, as I checked with Google and they said it was safe to keep a frozen turkey indefinitely. We had plenty to eat in case Google was wrong, but they weren't. Our aged turkey, limped to the oven and with a little coaxing he entered after giving is last words, which consisted of NOOOOOOO!!!!! I assured him it was his destiny and with his missing head down, he entered, if only to warm up a bit after his 48 month stay in the freezer. During his long stay in the lower shelf of my freezer, I'd check on him from time to time and he'd be in there wearing an overcoat and ear muffs complaining about the constant cold.

After a week of preparation, LJ and I were celebrating together this year, almost an annual ritual. She cooked and prepared and I supervised. Cooking is not my forte'. Cleaning up afterwards is not either so she being well versed at both, was a welcomed guest. While here, she renovated my ailing computer, helped me rearrange furniture and created a meal fit for a king. We ate, we laughed, we got tired. She went home and I snoozed.

After a 30 minute nap, my triptophan wore off and I addressed the turkey issue, looking kind of thin (the turkey, not me). Jules took some and left some and asked me if she had cleaned off the turkey enough to throw out the carcass. With my final inspection, I said to just leave it, I may work on it a little later on. There he sat with a smirk on his face, taunting me. Did I want to strip his bones or toss him out. The garbage can was closer than the cutting board, so I gave him one last chance to learn to fly. I tossed him in the air and half expected him go airborne, when he sank miserably into the waiting trash can. Whoops, sorry, farewell and thanks! And a thank you to Julie for all her hard work!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Chase Bank Sucks!

It's no secret that Chase Bank did not get as big as it is using ethics. No, they practice a slimier type of business excelling in the areas that behoove them. In 1993 when my ex-wife died, she owed Chase Bank $7500. So naturally they contacted me, who had been divorced from her for 2 years at that point and insisted on payment. I simply explained that it was not my indebtedness and refused to pay it, but that didn't stop them. They attached her bill to me insisting I was on the account. I asked for a copy of my signature to prove it and they supplied a forgery. Anyone would agree that it was not my hand that wrote that name. It wasn't even close. I in fact had my own Chase account that is still in place 28 years later. I was required to come to their headquarters in Tempe and wait in the lobby while a messenger came down and asked me to sign my name ten times to prove the signature was not mine. I complied, but they still insisted it was me. They literally crippled my credit as a result of me not paying them the $7500, that by then had become $11,000 with interest. I hired a lawyer to represent me, but all he did was take my money with no results. I would guess I paid him in the area of $3000. Still being hounded day and night by collectors, as Chase had sold my alleged delinquent account to an aggressive third party collector. All of this took place in about 3 or 4 year span. Out of desperation, I contacted the Commission of U.S. Bankers and wrote a hand written letter to them explaining everything, Within 24 hours of them receiving my letter, my credit had been restored and no mention of an indebtedness to Chase bank for my former wife's debt was on my record. I as in the right and Chase Bank knew it.

Now it's 2010 and I'm having a dispute with Chase Bank over the corrupt dentist and I was pleased to say that the bank had sided with me. I boasted of it on this blog. I was in the right and knew it. I have since received notice that Dr. Lloyd, the crook, has refused to reimburse Chase Bank for the $3500. They have done an investigation on Dr. Lloyd and discovered that he is not to be collected from. What do you suppose they did today. I got a phone call from a Mr. Young and his sole reason for calling me, after I placed at least 3 phone calls to him that he refused to return in timely fashion, was to tell me that I now owed them the $3500 for dental work, plus interest! Naturally, I was outraged and he talked non-stop never allowing me a chance to speak as was witnessed by LJ who was here listening on. For me to speak, I had to speak louder than Young who was explaining that the dentist delivered the work he described, in spite of my supplying testimonial from reputable dentists, (2) that explained that what Dr. Lloyd was doing represented malpractice.

I asked to speak with Young's supervisor and he told me HE was the supervisor. I said he must be accountable to a superior and he told me to write a letter. I hung up. Next step, 3 on Your Side??? Any suggestions?

Monday, November 22, 2010

Today's Crisis...

Took a ride to CVS to pick up a prescription and afterwards, when I went to start my car, I heard that old familiar silence that should not be there. I SHOULD be hearing my starter turning my fly wheel to start my engine, but sadly that sound wasn't present. About a month ago I noticed that my battery looked awful, just full of corrosion, so I searched for my tool that cleans off terminals, however my search was terminal, so I put my jumper cables in my trunk and forgot about it. Out of sight, out of mind. Funny how you remember things with the right stimuli and todays stimuli was silence!

So I popped the hood and tried to remember my 35 years in the car business and how this sort of thing happened about everyday. No biggy. Although I suddenly felt alone with a broken down car and no one to call. One look at the battery and my answer was clear. All of the corrosion that I attempted to clean off, was back two fold. There was my problem. A light bulb lit over my head as I thought that the poor connection between the cable end and the terminal COULD be remedied with a better connection. I hoped that I could create a better connection by using the end of the jumpers as a clamp around the terminal. I put the jumper end on the terminal in question and suddenly felt like McGyver! I got back in the car and crossed my fingers as I turned the key and to my surprise, it started! I stuffed my 12' jumbers into a corner of the engine compartment and barely was able to close the hood. I drove home and pulled into my garage. I gave the key a test turn to see if it still started and silence again..............but I was home!

At this point of the story, I know everyone is dying to find out what I did next, but I'd like to take this time to acknowledge the mechanics of the world. What a crumby profession. My back is still screaming about the position it was forced to stand in when the various repairs were made and whatever your mechanic charges you is worth it, just because of the position that they have to stand in all day, doing their work.

Back to te job. I cut off the old cable end with a garden clipper and used a C-clamp to attach the amputee cable to the terminal and drove the car in question to Pep Boys and bought a cable end for $4. I then drove home and atteched the new cable end to the amputee cable creating a replacement. Then I simply connected the cable end to the old terminal and prayed. It worked! I might even buy a new battery tomorrow.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

All That for THAT?

In my entire 64 years, I've NEVER had this problem. I'm living in Nazi Germany! Since moving into this hell hole last January it's been nothing but a source of problems. It takes two different stimuli to create the horrible living conditions that I'm kind of stuck in temporarily. First, NEVER do business with an engineer. They suffer from tunnel vision and only see things in black and white, without any gray area. Second, HOA's need to be eliminated from this Earth immediately. How ever they dispose of these vermin is fine with me. I've never been a victim before and don't really care for it.

If you've been following my life in any capacity, you'll know that I've been at odds with the local HOA over a few weeds that had the nerve to come up while I was out of town. I suffered a $150 fine finding out that weeds were now MY problem. I make a daily concerted effort to personally pick out any weed that has the audacity to pop up upon natures command. That make me the enemy of nature. My landlord, a word that I've never had to use before, agrees with the HOA and actually started eviction proceedings when I balked about the $150. To keep the peace, I caved and paid the ridiculous fine.

This winter one of the scrawny rose bushes passed away. I held a small ceremony for it, nothing fancy, just a few friends and immediate family. I mourned it's remains whenever arriving home with a frown and a head shake. Sad.... Wouldn't you know it, I get notice from the "ASSOCIATION" Big Brother, that it is my responsibility to remove it's dead carcass. On the way back from the mailbox, I stop and remove it's dead ass and toss it into the dumpster. Today, I get yet another notice from the "ASSOCIATION" that it is time to remove AND replace the dead bush. I'm renting here. My body is leaving these premises soon and do they expect ME to replace the dead rose bush? Again, this is NOT my place. In a furry, I rip the letter into shreds and start planning my eviction because I have no intention of replacing bushes here.

Shortly after ripping up my letter, the phone rings and it's my friend Eugie. She calms me down and urges me to call the ASSOCIATION and ask what I'm expected to do. I hang up with her explaining that when I called last time, the woman read the letter back to me and said, "that's what to do". Basically useless. I called the ASSOCIATION and sure enough the same stupid woman answers and says to remove or replace the bush. I thank her for the vital information and compose an email to the direction of chaos at the ASSOCIATION. As I'm writing the first paragraph of this blog post with rage coming from my fingers, his reply arrives and I will paste his reply right here.

"I do apologize. The letter was sent to the wrong address. I have removed it for your records. Thank you and I am sorry for the inconvenience."

Have a great thanksgiving.
Roy Shithead

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

My Poor Sick Dentist and Stuff...

It appears that my victory was short lived with Chase Bank. A few days ago I got a packet in the mail from them indicating that the dentist in question, Dr. Lloyd is contesting their decision in my favor, by refusing to refund the money to Chase. No surprise to me. Included in this packet was a 4 page narrative from Dr. Lloyd proving without a doubt that he is a sociopath. He created a story for the bank that included me being HIV positive and also suffering from a nervous disorder. Then he went ahead and created a scenario that fit his actions and when addressing the fact that he just flat abandoned me, he claimed it was a misunderstanding, as his dental hygienist was out ill for 2 months and he left it at that. I've since created a rebuttal to his false accusations and also need to acquire letters from reputable dentists to support my claims. I asked my new dentist for a letter to that affect, but it's slow coming. Now I've missed the banks deadline.

The day that Arizona abolished the concealed weapon law, I was scheduled for an appointment with Dr. Lloyd. I walked into his office and said how glad I was that they changed that concealed weapon law, now I can conceal my gun wherever I go, (joking). Dr. Lloyd looked up and put his hands up in a defensive way and backed up scared, saying, "what?" I said calm down, I'm only reciting the new law. Oh, he replied and put his hands back down. I then told him I don't even own a gun and to relax. he did. That is a sure red flag that your dentist is a psycho when that happens. I should have taken notice then. By the way, I do own a gun, but have never shot anyone................yet.

So on the dating front, it's kind of quiet. I decided to let Sara go her own way when I realized that when I stopped talking it was just quiet. She seldom had anything to add to the conversation and I was basically entertaining her. Even her emails were one line long. There I was going into detail on long extravagant stories and hers would be a one liner answering a question. I thought she was just reserved, not boring. But boring best described Sara. I require more from a partner. There are a few new women waiting on the horizon, I'll introduce them as they come closer.

It's been a few days since I've posted anything, basically because things have been kind of quiet, but.............. a couple of things have happened. I went to the grocery store yesterday. Please understand that I got married 3 different times, mostly to avoid having to go food shopping at the grocery store. I literally hate it! Well, I dislike it, anyway. I wait until the most likely un-busiest day of the week. I went on a Monday. It wasn't too bad. I needed a few things and my pie supply had diminished down to mere crumbs. So I found the steaks that were on sale, T-bones and as I was walking towards the milk section at Fry's, I heard someone or something calling my name. I looked and it was the pie table, just screaming to me. I picked out a pecan pie and all the way home I could think of nothing else but slashing into it with a knife. I limited myself to just one pie, but I did pickup a banana nut cake and some cookies, just in case. I used the automated check out service and I was out of there in mere minutes, tearing at the bag that held my precious pie, but couldn't really reach it. When I got home, still leaving anything that didn't need refrigeration in the car, I shove a blade into that baby and to my chagrin, I found it to be mis-marked and it did NOT hold a single pecan, but peaches! WTF? Guess what. That's really okay, because I like peach pie too! I don't think they make a pie I don't like! So I ate a half of a peach pie, then carried in the rest of the groceries.

Even more excitement going on in my life... I was sitting at the computer working on some serious problems. Should I write to the blond or brunette, when suddenly I get an email from a name that sounds familiar, but required some deep immediate thought. It was from a Suzanne Something. Who was she and why was she writing to me. Before I even got to the email, I realized who she was and why I was so slow in recalling her. She was my long lost cousin from Chicago! I hadn't seen or heard from her in probably 40 years. My first crush! I was only about 4 or 5 years old when she began in my memory banks. I remember being just a little boy and when we'd go to their house to visit or they'd come over to our house, I'd get real quiet, put my hands in my pockets and just look down at the floor. Everyone would ask what's wrong and I didn't even know. I'd get real shy around cousin Suzanne. She was about a year older then me and was the youngest of 3 kids and her older siblings were brothers. She was the only girl. I really didn't know much about girls....................still don't!

Anyway, cousin Suzanne wrote to me asking if I want to be found. She and her husband ran into my brother at a benefit and she asked him for my email address and guess what! She told me last night that I was her favorite! Pretty exciting stuff, aye?

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Sara X. XXXXX...

The longer that I'm on these dating services, the more junk I run into. Although I must say that I'm met some virtually charming women, I've also run into some rather odd situations. One lady, after speaking with her for over 2 hours, insisted on calling me with a blocked number. After our long conversation, she was saying goodbye when I reminded her that if we were to speak again, she would have to call me again, as I don't have her number. She acknowledged that to be true and hung up. I was done! If after speaking with me for over two hours, I hadn't impressed upon her that I was one of the good guys, there was no hope for her and I refused further contact.

Last night Sara and I met at an upscale Chinese restaurant in North Scottsdale for dinner. She was about 5 minutes late her usual method of operating, but showed up looking great and she came with a gift. She was wearing really tight jeans, the ones that are slung low on the waist that I'm so fond of and a tight sweater, that showed her in a good light, ahem! She greeted me with a hug, that I wasn't expecting but glad to get and a tin foil wrapped package that she explained were cookies that she and her granddaughter made on Sunday. All I could think to say was, "I didn't get you anything"! She assured me that it was okay. We were seated and started studying the menu for a few minutes and then began a 2 1/2 hour meal. Not because we were eating all of that time, but because our conversation was occupying the evening. I told her about my dentist experience and she was sympathetic and I followed it with my heart event that took place almost 6 years ago. By the time I was finished with her, I noticed she was yawning quite a bit. That's odd, those are 2 of my best stories!

Now we're getting to the part that's a little strange. Sara is anonymous. That's right. We've been together twice now and she's kissed me goodnight both times and is friendly towards me, kind of like she likes me, you know? But will not tell me her last name or her email address or anything about herself that has to do with identity. Her theory is, better safe than sorry. That makes me a threat to her safety. When I got home, I practiced making evil faces in the mirror to try to imagine how she must see me. I even tried the moustache curl along with a sinister laugh, but still didn't feel that I came across as mean. I'm either going to have to work on looking more evil or she's just going to have to give me the information I want. I asked her if we get married, what will I put on the invitations? Mel Fisher and Sara Someone announce their engagement??? That just caused me to take marriage........................ right off the table!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Gum Disease (The silent stench)

People fascinate me, and although I'm reflective by nature, nothing is better than a sunshine filled day, cool breeze, listening to music, sipping wine and enjoying easy conversation with a great man.
Please, Gentlemen, no drama, no facial hair, no gum disease, no charlatans, no bad attitude…

Above is a portion of a profile written by a woman that alleges to be 59. Some women just won't pass that 60 barrier no matter what nature and the calendar say. She is and probably was an attractive woman, but at some point a person must give up that cruel, judgemental attitude and accept what nature has bestowed upon them. As for being selective, I believe this woman has crossed a new boundary and that boundary addresses GUM DISEASE, the silent smell! Below is my email to her. I didn't insult her, just let her know that she's now being watched!

This was in her profile:

Please, Gentlemen, no drama, no facial hair, no gum disease, no charlatans, no bad attitude…

This is my email to her: (She had read the book I'm reading)

Dear Glitter:
I'm on page 616 of The Gate House, a wonderful book by Nelson DeMille. I see that you already read it and that's why I'm writing. Who dies? Anthony, Sally Da Da, Susan or John? Nevermind, don't tell me, but the suspense is too much. You may not like me, I'm a charlatan with a chin beard and a bad attitude, suffering from gum disease. Oh, the drama!

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Teacher's Pet...

I had a date this past weekend with a charming little girl that I had met on one of the dating sites a couple of months ago. I'm not quite sure on why it took so long to get to the part where we finally met, but it went something like this. We emailed to one another and I tried my best to show my imaginary charm. After a period of time, I asked for her number, but she chose to get to know me a little better. More emailing. One day, she sent me her phone number without warning. About a few days went by and I called, only for me to run the conversation off the road. I got onto this dead end topic that was of no interest to either of us and once there, I just couldn't stop! It was about, of all things, Child Protective Services, that I know absolutely nothing about, a train wreck! When we hung up, I know that I did and later found out that she did the same.............threw up! The conversation was just ghastly! Realizing it, I wrote her a note that said, there was no reason for two semi-intelligent people to run the bus off the road to that extreme, but since we both realize it, perhaps we should give it another chance? Gracefully, she agreed. Now here is a problem. How in the world, do I get myself to call a lady that I'd had such a horrible conversation with? It didn't come easily. About a month passed and nothing. Then one day I saw her online and wrote something to her about, "How quaint seeing you here"? She didn't reply, but I was talking with Barbara last week and hung up the phone on her when suddenly the phone rang again and I thought it was Barbara, my ex-wife calling back, when the caller ID said, it was Sara... I answered, Sara, baby! Well, to say she was taken aback by my opening greeting was an understatement. Sara is a 4th grade teacher, about 5' 5" and a size 2 or 4. Sweet and slight and demure. I said, am I glad YOU called, I was just speaking with my ex-wife and hung up on her, hello! She said hello and we chatted for a time and decided to finally meet this weekend. Sara has a busy schedule with hiking and Yoga and being a grandmother. Don't you just love how grandmothers are so hot these days, or is it just me?

Sara showed up and called me from the restaurant. I was waiting in my car, as I had arrived early. When I first saw her I was pleased with her looks, which doesn't happen too often to me. She was my type. I went to the trouble of texting her when she was on the way there and telling her I was really 5' 4" and she kept texting me back saying, really, really? I think she was relieved to see I was taller.

We sat and chatted and did the dating dance. Told stories and tried to impress her with my humor and eventually it was time to see what we had here. I asked her if she felt we should see each other again and she said, you start! A million thoughts went through my mind with that response. Why should I go first? Is she interested and doesn't want to be turned down if she commits? I bobbed and weaved for about 5 minutes and talked about other topics when suddenly I asked if she'd like to go out again and she said, YES! Life just got easier. The wondering was over, she wanted to see me again. Good, now did I want to see her again? I believe I did! We have a MATCH!!!

All weekend I didn't know what to do with this new friend. She was busy hiking on Saturday and it turned out she went to Sedona with a group. She sent me a picture of scenery from her cell phone on Saturday and I replied that I had been searching the entire Sonoran desert for her, just banter. We spoke on the phone today and I invited her to go out for Chinese food tonight and she said she was having her granddaughter over to bake cookies and color. I understand priorities, so we'll go out on Wednesday.

I really enjoyed going to the 4th grade, but never really got a chance to be teacher's pet.........until now!

Friday, November 5, 2010

Death by Sugar...

1959 Corvette
Yesterday I went to the grocery store with pie on my mind. I now know that's a bad idea. I learned years ago, not to shop while hungry because everything looks good to you. Well, yesterday I bought 3 pies and a box of chocolate chip cookies and lettuce. That's it. I have no idea why I bought lettuce without dressing, but I'll keep it around for awhile until it turns to water and toss it, like all of the other lettuces before it.

I barely was home when I ripped into my Cherry pie and before the sun went down, finished it. Today's menu has Apple pie on it and possibly a few cookies. I'm not worried about weight gain because I've covered all the mirrors in the house. Sometimes it's nice just to do what you want, without any thought about what's right!

Next on my list of topics is a little tiff, that I got into with an old friend. Imagine me being misunderstood??? It started with a phone call from Harvey, my high school friend, wanting to know if I could find him a muscle car from the 60's? Something for about $15,000 that is worth about $25,000 and if so, can I buy it and ship it and he'll pay me back. Well honestly reader, I've been in the business of buying and sell automobiles fr the past 35 years and if there is a $10,000 profit to realize in this economy, it certainly isn't going to Harvey. In reply, I suggested he purchase my 85 Red Corvette with only 43,000 miles for the $15,000.

Harvey thought about this and asked me to send him pictures of the car. I said, no. Just try to remember what they look like and mine is just like that! I sent him a picture off the Internet of an 85 Corvette, but I suspected he smelled a rat. I could back the car out of my garage and take pictures of it, but that's a lot of trouble for Harvey to say no to. A couple of days went by and I got an email from Harvey saying, "Why should I pay $15,000 for your Corvette, when I can buy one for about $10,000 right here"? My reply was, "First, my Corvette WAS worth $15,000 and since you want one and I don't want to sell it, it's $15,000 FIRM!" He was all, humph!

The next email I get from Harvey is a picture of a 1992 Camaro with the Vin number 01, that he claims he bought for $1200 and already sold for $31,000! I replied, "Leave it to you to sell a $65,000 car for the giveaway price of $31,000! Again I took the upper hand. (First liar doesn't have a chance)

Now, in the shadow of my sister-in-law passing away and my having a similar lack of relationship with my older brother, I've made it a point to include him in a few things I send out on the Internet. You know, things I think he might like. One thing I sent was a picture of a 56 Ford Sunliner, similar to the one he owned when he was 16, along with a short note. This was his reply:

"Thanks for the pictorial on the 50's . It was fun . I do remember my 56 for convertible and I wish I had it now. It is worth a chunk. I did buy another 50's car in 1992 and I still have in my Florida house. It is for sale but the market is not too good now. So I can wait. I hope all is well with you and the boys. I have included a picture of my '59 Vette. Nice to hear from you."

Suddenly, a light bulb actually lit over my head and I wrote this short note to Harvey, setting the bait:


I just got this email from my brother, you probably didn't know I even had a brother, but I do. He lives in Northbrook and seldom talks to me, but I sent him that 50's thing because he used to own a 56 Ford Sunliner, orange and white, similar to the one that was pictured.
He now has a 59 Corvette that he's owned since 1992 that he's trying to get $17500 for, but I know you only want to spend 15G's, so I didn't mention you, but if you'd consider paying a little more......?


The bait is set! Harveys reply:

Hi Mel,

I do remember your brother from high school somewhat but you have said so little about him I forgot. Would you ask your brother to give me some history of the car, what has been done in terms of restoration, is it original numbers matching, condition….good driver etc. I will be in Florida from 2/18-2/24 and will be in Tampa and in Marco Island. Where could I see the car and look it over. Please find out. If he is going to be there sooner I would consider flying down earlier if I had a lot of info and a number of clear photos of the car. I would like all info. If I did buy this car I could ship it here or drive it to Orlando,,,,take the auto train but then I would need to drive it 6 hours from Washington DC and I am not sure I could trust that many hours of 60 MPH driving but let’s see what your brother Larry says.

Now the hook is set and I'm a little afraid that he's really believing me and that my joke is back-firing. I think about it for quite awhile and about 1 AM I can't sleep, when suddenly this pops into my mind! I leap out of bed and run to the computer to send this message:

It's 1 AM here in the valley of the sun and I just got home after a long and dead end date. Who would have ever dreamed that I'd be doing this at age 64? You know me, I'm a bottom line kind of guy The 59 Corvette, as nice as it is, may not be for you? I spoke with my brother and learned a few terrible facts about the car. You may or may not know that my older brother is only about 5' 6" tall and when he found out you were about 6'3", he was literally beside himself with envy, but mostly anger about your height. Being a "short guy", he's always had one of those Napoleonic attitudes about tall people and I feel it's the main reason that he doesn't have much to do with me. In is ignorance, he had the Corvette scaled down to about 83% of it's normal size. In other words, in order to get it registered legally, he had to declare it a "kit car" and register it as a VW engine model 545569. In scaling down the car, there was no longer room for the big 348 CU. In engine, so they swapped it with a 4 cylinder VW bug motor. Well, that explained the discount price! By law, both Illinois and Florida, you can be no taller than 5' 7" to drive and own this car. So what I'm trying to say is, the deal is off! I hope this email finds you in good spirits and prompts you to look even harder for the car of your dreams. Unless perhaps you still want it for your wife?

Your friend,

Honest Mel, the car buyers friend.

As a result, can you believe it, Harvey's not talking to me?
PS. My brother's 6' 3"...

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

You Just Can't Fix St000pid...

The call came one morning last week and because I had been asleep, I missed it. It came to me in the form of a voicemail from my former brother-in-law, Henry. The message was a sad one. He told me that his wife of about 30 years, passed away last night in her sleep and her gallant 6 year fight against cancer was finally over. I had spoken with Henry the night before and he said he'd keep me posted on her condition, but I never dreamed it would happen so soon. I saved the message to listen to when I was more awake, to make sure I'd heard it correctly and I had.

About 6 years ago, Patty found a lump on her breast that turned out to be malignant. She then suffered a bi-lateral mastectomy and it was late into her recovery that she came to Phoenix to care for me after my heart episode. She stayed about a week and went home for some social event and returned a week later to stay with me again, this time for 10 days. I'll always remember her generosity and how she forgot about her own problems when I needed help. I never spent that many hours laughing with a woman that I wasn't married to and frankly, I don't know how she put up with me. We fought like dogs and cats when we disagreed on something, like where to park when she would drop me off in front of a medical building. We sounded like an old married couple.

When she returned home, we remained email buddies and exchanged jokes and political opinions. We'd speak periodically and catch up. Last year around this time, I flew to Chicago to see her while I could. She had just had some major surgery, as the cancer had spread to her bones. She really couldn't walk, but scooted around on a kitchen step stool that had wheels, using her one good leg for motion.

I got a call from her oldest son Scott, last week. He wanted to tell me to get in touch with his Mom, as she really wasn't doing well. I did, but she had already succumbed to the disease that eventually took her and was asleep constantly. She had 24 hour Hospice help and sedation.

After the call came, I got notification from her husband and son announcing a dedication service that was planned for next month, after her cremation. I received invitations from her cousin Mike to stay with him at his house during the November dedication and to tell Brad he's welcome too.

Now my ex-wife and her sister Patty have been fighting since fighting was fashionable around 30 years ago. I never really knew what this silly fight was over, but my ex being super jealous of her older sister, I always felt it had something to do with that. I also didn't think that anyone would notify her of her sister's demise. I handled it with an email when I first found out that Patty was doing poorly and advised Barbara to contact her sister, she might be near the end. Only a day later I sent her another email notifying her of her only sister's death. Again, no reply!

On Halloween Day, I put it off as long as possible then realized it was probably my obligation to see if she even received my emails and if she even still lived in AZ. I called her number and it rang an unusually long time, when just as I was about to hang up and try her cell, she answered. I wished her a happy Halloween and asked if she'd heard from our son Brad lately? She said she'd had lunch with him last week and I asked if he was okay. She said, yes. I asked how our estranged grandson Max was and she said she didn't know, she isn't allowed to talk about him. I dropped it. I asked if she got my emails and she said, yes. I asked if she'd had the opportunity to contact her sister before she died and she said, She could have called me! So I relied that you never got a chance to right things??? Well, she should have called me...... I interrupted her and said, SHE'S DEAD! How could she call you from a coma prior to death? Well, I was pretty sick plenty of times and she never called me! I almost lost a leg one time and she didn't call.. I said I couldn't continue this conversation and hung up! You just can't fix ST000PID!

Friday, October 29, 2010

Two Dead Ends, but Never Say Die!...

I have GOT to start reading the profiles BEFORE I contact these ladies.

Meet Debbie, an very attractive 57 year old woman that had been nosing around my profile. The only thing I noticed about her, other than the fact that she's visited my profile numerous times, was that she didn't drink..... ever. That was enough for me. I did the unmentionable, I winked and ran. If she responded, fine. If not, nothing ventured, nothing gained. About an hour later, she wrote me the following email, so now I was forced learn a little about her. OH-MY-GOD! She talked non-stop about exercise and how her man will have to be into exercise and she can't stop exercising.

Well, I often times misspell exercise, because it is such a foreign thing to me. I wrote to her that her unusual amount of exercise concerned me because since I had my heart removed, I haven't been too much into exercising, but I'll let you read the uncut version below. In my reply, I bobbed and weaved and avoided the truth by joking, but exercise and me have really never met. This is a prime example of winking and biting off more than I could chew!

Dutch Oven
Wanted to thank you for the wink. Sorry to hear you lost your dogs. That is one of the hardest to get through! And, you'll never forget them! I lost my dogs a couple of years ago, and I still think of them. Plus, my bird still calls out to them.
I'm a high school reading specialist at an alternative school, and my favorite thing to do in the world is to work out, and visit my granddaughters. They are a kick!
I liked your "favorite part of a woman's anatomy is her mind" comment, and believe that goes both ways.
On that note, I'll wish you a nice evening!

Hi Debbie and thanks for responding to my wink and I also apologize for only winking. That's not like me to just throw out a test wink, but I tried it. I saw you looked at my profile and noticed that you were pretty adorable, so in a fit of passion, just winked and ran. Sorry.
Your rather charming email touched me and reminded me of my pups, who are currently appearing in my dreams. Truly, I began dreaming about them and it's nice to be able to visit with them again. They were Great Danes and of course had a massive presence, but I digress.
I loved your profile, but one thing concerns me is my lack of exercise compared to your active regiment. The last 2 times I got my heart rate as high as you describe, my two sons were conceived! I used to be an avid work out guy, but in 2005, I had to have my heart removed after an accident and haven't exercised since. I still look pretty good for an old guy, but that is the truth. They did replace my heart, but I haven't fallen in love since, sadly... The doctors assure me it's not health related, but I still wonder.
By now you probably think I'm absolutely insane and if you reply, I'll know it's just my imagination. This is a test!

RE: Impressive
Wow ... what an experience! I can't even imagine going through something like that. Were you given exercise limitations? How does it feel coming out of a surgery like that?? Congratulations on a new heart!
I have exercised since the age of 5. My dad was a pro boxer and he had me boxing young. At the age of 10 I broke some poor boy's jaw while fighting. I taught kickboxing for several years, but I do spinning and running/weight-training these days, which is probably why I lead a single life. There are few who would tolerate my schedule, but I love it. I could not endure a sedentary lifestyle. It runs in the family, as my dad is the same,,,,or should I say I'm like him.
I hope you have a nice evening.

Next was a lady named Cindy. I found Cindy on another website that is free and pretty much, you get what you pay for. Cindy was only 50 and still had that innocent look to her and her profile, with the exception of attacking her ex for stealing all her money, was pretty intelligent. Her reply was quick and offered me her phone number, something that is usually held onto for a time. I called and it was busy, so I left a nice message. I said I was calling from the escort service and was patiently awaiting her return call. About 20 minutes went by and she called. She immediately launched into a tirade about her special job working for a HOA and completely turned me off. The next topic was her stupid ex-boyfriend that stole all her money to invest in multilevel marketing schemes and how you couldn't fix dumb. While she was picking apart this guy that was probably not the brightest crayon in the 64 pack, she was rapidly losing points with me. After about 30 minutes, to get off the phone, I suggested we talk another time and perhaps meet for a cup of coffee. I had no expectation of ever calling her again, but got an immediate email saying how much she enjoyed talking to me. Pretty odd, I thought.

About an hour ago she called to break our coffee date, because she just wasn't feeling a connection. Huh? I told her I understood and hung up confused. Why did she find it necessary to break a date that was never made? I have a date tonight with a lady that frankly seems pretty normal. We'll see!

Thursday, October 28, 2010

A True Miracle...

I just came from an appointment to get an Iron supplement. The medical practitioners make a big deal out of it and charge like $250 per injection. That's what insurance is for, I guess. The group that frequents the Kidney specialists office is not a stellar group, but rather a pitiful bunch, me being one of them. We have failing kidneys and should really be in a 12 step program, but I digress. When the front door opens, you never know what's coming in, but seldom is it anyone with a bounce in their step. I like to joke with the receptionist and always make her laugh. Today when I approached, she was already half smiling in anticipation of what was coming. I said, hi. I'm here for an oil change! That, for some reason cracked her up. I sat and waited to be called.

The front door opened and in waddled a woman that was easily 200 LBS OVERWEIGHT. I mean she must have weighed 300+ LBS, was short and wore a black (slenderizing) Moo Moo. I thought the sale of the MooMoos was over and they had been outlawed nationwide, but no. This lady must have been wearing the last one on Earth or it was fashioned out of old draperies. She was B-I-G! Huffing and puffing she approached the front desk and wrote down her name. My eyes were glued to her, like watching a train wreck, I couldn't look away. After completing her check-in, she turned and approached the seats where she stretched the limits of her chair by simply dropping down into it. I swear I heard it groan! As she descended into the unlucky chair a transition took place that I don't recall ever seeing before. She slowly, yet methodically settles down into a "puddle of person"! At her apex was her head and she gradually just spread out like a puddle, until it got to her horribly deformed ankles and feet. Her ankles were the size of a normal person's thigh and in the center was a dimple that was her ankle. That's when I noticed it. Her toes! Her toe nails were painted black or some dark shade and I knew I'd come across the $64,000 question. How???

I'm 6 feet tall and boast of a 32 or 33 inch waist and fought like hell to clip my toenails, just yesterday. I put it off because it's so uncomfortable to bend over so far to reach my toes. No, I'm certainly not in shape and work out......................a-a-a-a................ never! How the hell did she get her's painted? If anyone has the answer, I'd appreciate it. I might just want to sell it to NASA or Ripley's!

Monday, October 25, 2010

No Smoking!

The pickings have been plentiful on the dating circuit lately, but one in particular has to have her story told. Nothing has changed as far as I'm concerned, same pictures and silly anecdotes in my personality profile, but for some crazy reason, I'm getting alot more attention than usual. Maybe the ladies of Phoenix are trying to "buddy up" before Christmas. Putting up all those decorations aren't easy work for a lady, some have to crawl up in their attics to reach their goodies.

So I'm doing a pretty good job of minding my own business Sunday afternoon, watching the game, when an email warning comes that Gabby wants to meet me. Gabby, now that's an attractive name! So I click and screen down and jump through the identification hoops to see a perfectly lovely looking lady, about 49 years of age. She's tall and thin and pretty. Got to be something wrong.......oh there it is, she smokes! Smokers are in a class of their own. This one says, occasionally. I take that to mean that she breathes regular air between drags on her cigarette. I reply that she looks great to me, but she smokes and that's a deal breaker for me, sorry. She replies that most men feel that way, but she only smokes about 10 a day.

My thoughts go immediately to Sherry, my old high school friend that came to AZ to visit this month. She was still a smoker, but I never smelled it on her and if she had not told me she still smoked, I'd have never known. She never smoked in front of me or complained that she needed a cigarette. So I decided, in my imminent ignorance, that smoking must not be as bad as I remember. I send Gabby a teaser, that says, "If you want to know how I quit after 30 years of 3 packs a day, as me."? She bit. I replied that it's too long to write, if she wants to know, she'll just have to call me and I give her my number. She switches into the "not so desperate mode" and doesn't reply for a few hours, saying ha , very funny and that she may just call. Duh! That's why I gave her my number. Around 9 PM, she says she'll call tomorrow and I just about lose interest. It seems my natural sex drive quits around bedtime (not a good time for that, huh?) She started emailing me about 7 AM, wanting to know what I'm doing. In my sleep, I don't reply. She writes again about 9:45 and tells me all about her loss during the storm 2 weeks ago and can I give her my number again......please. ("Still sleeping, sorry".) I get up around 10 and see the emails I just mentioned and wonder why in the world I ever gave this lady my number, because the excitement of Sunday evening disappeared in my sleep..

In my confusion, I'm still thinking her 10 cigarette a day habit is a piece of cake for a 3 pack guy like me. I drink coffee and try to get into the mood to talk to a stranger in the AM. At 10:45 AM, my phone rings and it's a call from Gabby to learn my secret of how to quit smoking, but there really isn't any trick. It just takes determination and devotion to live. My phone plays the Blackberry song and I answer on what would probably be about the 3rd or 4th ring and guess what? Al Green is calling me! I say hello and Al Green replies HELLO...........DUTCH, with the deepest, raspiest, roughest smoker's voice I ever heard.... All I could say is, "I know who this is", laughing in my voice.. She makes the mistake of asking how and I tell her the smoker's voice is a dead giveaway. I think that's when it first went bad for her. I recovered from her shockingly deep voice and started making her laugh. Whenever she would get caught off balance, she would let go of a HARDY HAR HAR HAR... back slapping laugh, with her raspy horrible smoker's voice. Put a fork in me, I'm done! At some point Al Green mentions she had to get the gym, a lot of good that was gonna do, so I said I had to be someplace too... We hung up and I didn't bother saving her number. Yeah, smoking is a real deal breaker! I never did tell her my secret to quit smoking.............Don't put them in your mouth!

Saturday, October 23, 2010

The Food was Good, but...

An interesting day took place, that I thought was worthy of mention in my otherwise dull life. Life is presented to us in different phases and this just happens to be one of my scheduled commercial interruptions. Mine began with my heart event that took place almost six years ago, others are jump started by things like cancer diagnoses, loss of a loved one or simply falling off a ladder, but as silly as that seems, who would do that? So to break up my otherwise tranquil day, I called the Lovely Jules and asked her to have lunch. We started out at my new location and Jules began by mentioning that I only eat at 6 different restaurants, which do I want to eat at this day? Taking exception to her rather bold comment, I questioned her as she rattled off the 6 places I allow myself to be fed and she was right, come to think of it. She suggested someplace different for a change. Since it was clearly her turn to buy, we decided she should be entitled to choose the destination. We passed a Denny's and she commented we could eat there. I pretty much poo pooed her suggestion without using words, but just using my face for my reply. She agreed it was a bad idea. Driving East on Bell Rd. we passed a KFC and a Village Inn, no and no. At the corner of Scottsdale Rd and Frank Lloyd Wright is a place that advertises that I've only been to once on a date from hell and never did eat anything there, while my date literally stuffed her mouth like a squirrel getting ready for winter. Charlestons!

We pulled in and even the handicapped parking was full. My first reaction is, was this a national holiday where people were off from work? No, this is just how Scottsdale is during the recession. It was MOBBED! Scottsdale people LOVE recession, it makes them hungry! A little tiny girl that was about a foot shy of being considered short, seated us as we settled into a booth. It was lovely, commented the Lovely Jules, as she made her broken wing more comfortable releasing one of the tightness adjusters. Remember when you were a kid and they put you into a cast to protect your broken arm? Well, it seems that's all over now. Now you get a removable type bandage that can be taken off for showering and such.

Here comes our waitress, who has never said no to a bowl of ice cream. Jules insisted that she was a college student that was just overeating for finals, but I spotted make up in her wrinkles left over from 1962! Not only was she plump, but the worst waitress ever in history. No eye contact and ignored LJ's request for a slice of lemon in her water........twice! Without an explanation, she brought me 2 Diet Cokes. I guess it was their policy. Now just because Scottsdale was not in a recession, we still were and discussed leaving after seeing how proud they were about their food, by their prices! Jeez, a French dip was $16! I spotted the Avocado and chicken sandwich for $12 and suggested we split it. LJ was all over that, as it was still her turn to buy. I also know that Jules is not a good eater and I'd get most of the sandwich eventually and did!

We ordered and waited and eventually a couple were seated direct across from us. We nodded and did a silent hello. She was an older woman, about 65 and he was about 45 and quite gay. You could just see it and hear his partial lisp. He also ordered the Avocado chicken sandwich, but was lucky enough to get his own. From this point on we just ate and chatted and enjoyed our post recession environment, when suddenly the gentleman sitting across from us started to choke! He choked and gagged and was quite speechless when the woman with him yelled for someone to help. Not knowing anything about CPR or CPA, I jumped into action, first loosening his collar and then grabbing him from behind and doing what I thought was the Heimlich maneuver. I'll be a son of a gun, but it worked! He was gasping for air, but clearly his airway was now opened. People gathered around and cheered us both. We were suddenly celebrities! Just then an ambulance arrived and along with it came a crew of news reporters and we were both interviewed and appeared on 3 network stations during the 5 PM news. It was unbelievable. The best part was, we NEVER paid the check!

The last paragraph was mostly made up, but really I had to because it was getting unbelievably boring.


Wednesday, October 20, 2010

The End of Susan...

I've been getting a lot of people that want to know what happened to Susan. Well, that's not true either. The people that know me and are my friends already know of the horrible fate of poor Susan, but Martha wants to know, so I dedicate this post to NMS, who is Martha, MJ, and NMS represents "Not Martha Stewart"...

Susan is currently in the burn unit at Scottsdale North. She suffered a horrible accident and is horribly disfigured from 2nd and 3rd degree burns to the sides of her face and head. Being pretty shallow, I doubt I'll be seeing her again. The accident went something like this..

I got a phone call from a gentleman that introduced himself as Susan's husband. My first reaction was that off shock, but he explained that he was not her current husband, but her ex. Current husband? He went on to tell me that Susan had suffered an accident and was currently in the hospital burn unit. Completely forgetting of his tales of a current husband, I was caught up in the moment and rushed to her side. When I arrived, I was told I couldn't see her just now, as she had too many visitors already. Currently in her room was a husband named Joe and 2 boyfriends named Jim and Jack, her ex-husband was still ahead of me. I was literally dumbfounded to hear of the congestion of J's in that little room. Still concerned for her well-being, I waited my turn.

Somewhere around Midnight, a gentleman named Jerry sat down next to me and started chatting. Turns out that he also got a call from Susan and was there to see her too. Jerry just met her on yesterday and had only met her once, last night, to have a drink. Out of nowhere, an orderly came out saying number 7, is there a Mel out here? I got up and took my turn to see Susan. She looked just awful. I still hadn't been told by anyone, how this hideous accident occurred. So I asked....

She had a horrible bandage surrounding her entire head. She told me she was standing there ironing a dress for a client. A dress that she had just made and was pressing. Suddenly the phone rang and she said, not thinking, she just lifted the iron, instead of the phone to her ear and said hello. The hot iron burned her ear and the side of her head horribly. With confusion on my face, I asked how she burned the other ear so badly too. With an empty look in her eyes, she looked at me like I was crazy and slowly said, "I had to call the hospital, didn't I?"

No, with all the men awaiting her recovery, I don't think I'll be seeing Susan again... Nope...

Thursday, October 14, 2010

The 20 Hour Work Week...

When I was working, I tended to work a lot. I worked 7 days a week and many nights. I never tried to figure out how many hours a week I worked, but I worked enough to get the job done. I was always self employed and the more I worked, the more I could produce. However, I've never met anyone that works as much as my new lady, Susan. Susan is self employed as a seamstress. She has written contracts with a few high profile Scottsdale custom dress shops to make their dresses. When I first heard about this choice of career, I thought she could regulate her own hours, but after just being in her busy life for a few days, I've realized she is under such pressure that I am literally amazed.

For example, we spoke on the phone after a full day of texting, for about 2 hours. Whenever we speak, we talk for an extended period of time. Saturday we talked for 5 1/2 hours, until after 2 AM. We finally met on Sunday evening for a 4 hour Coke and Monday we texted and talked all day. It is Susan that single-handedly is causing me to contact AT&T for an unlimited minute plan. After speaking until about 11 PM last night, she said she was tired and still had a lot of work to do, so she was taking a nap until midnight and going back to work. That would be a one hour nap. She just worked all day, after telling me she started at 4 AM, worked until 9 and talked to me for 2 hours, so she could have a one hour nap. The following day we spoke with one another again and she told me she dreamed that she was caught up and slept until 2 AM and jerked awake to find she was way behind. Today, she worked from 2 AM until 6 PM with fittings in downtown Scottsdale and was going to go home then for another nap and something to eat. And guess what she's doing after that? Right, back to work. I love the ambition, but I haven't seen her since our first meeting on Sunday. Next Sunday we have plans for a busy day, with NO WORK!

So today I got out of the shower at 11:56 AM and noticed I had a phone call that I missed. After checking, it was Beckie from my vampire's office and I missed my 11:30 appointment and she was leaving at noon. With a loud OH SHIT, I called her back and told her I could be there in 10 minutes if she could wait? She said she would. Now I had to figure out a way to go from my house to 40th St. and Greenway while still dripping wet from the shower. I put my clothes on with me still wet and hopped into my sandals, grabbing my cell phone and keys on the way out. I put the Toyota in warp 5 and headed for the blood joint and actually made it there in 9 minutes including stopping for 3 red lights. With my hair still wet with that Pat Brady look, entered the office as Beckie was about to leave........................Whew!

After getting an iron infusion, I drove over to my third wife's house to discover that Susan lives 3 walking blocks away from her. Small town, I guess... With 5 million people here, who woulda thunk it?

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Some Good News and Some Other Good news...

Today I have nothing but good news. It's a Tuesday and I was up late on the phone with Susan until almost 2 AM yet again. Susan is my new interest. This doesn't happen to me often when I meet someone that matters to me. Susan is different though. She's small and humble and easy going. She's quiet and sedate and speaks slowly, then quietly unloads some serious humor, when you're least expecting it. She's self employed, has had a good upbringing, comes from a large family and is NOT a drama queen. I think we compliment each other and yet she keeps me wondering. All good signs. So in answer to Jamie's question, sometimes it does work, all of this online experimentation. It's a hit and miss operation, with many misses and an occasional hit! I think at this juncture, Susan is that hit...

That was some of the good news and the other thing is, I just got a letter from Chase Bank indicating that they sided with me in the dispute against the dentist from hell, I think. Their letter was so general that I think they favored me in their decision, but to keep my records because the dentist has several months to appeal. I don't know what he could possibly say, because I was straight forward and up front about everything. I really should be suing him, but I'm almost certain his assets have already been picked over by previous law suites, plus it would all be negative energy, that would better used elsewhere. So I'll be content to be in the situation that I'm presently in, but with my $3500 back in my pocket. Good Day........and I mean it!

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Judy in Troon...

I've had the occasion recently to speak with a few new women. Not new to the world, just to me. It's come to me through the grapevine that my dating disasters are good reading although sometimes painful for me. Foregoing my own mental health, I give you a simple but sad story.

Yesterday morning, I got an email from, that Judy was interested in me. Who might she be? So I clicked and scrolled and clicked some more, going through the dance of love on my laptop. Suddenly, a funny looking lady aged 59 was staring at me through my computer screen. Funny looking but tall and thin reminding me of Debra, my ex-wife, although she wasn't funny looking. Same hair style and basic physique. Strange what motivates us, well me anyway. So I clicked that I was interested too!

I don't think 5 minutes when by and I got another message from the service, that Judy wants to know some things about me. I answer her 6 questions, as sarcastically as I can and let her know how silly this routine created by, really is. About 2 minutes later, I get a smart-ass reply and I well deserved it. I like this! Soon another email arrives and this one is pleasant, informative, factual and I'm thinking that Judy may indeed be a real person. We exchange emails for the rest of the days and I'm developing a new respect for Judy. She has a few acres up in Troon and lives alone and is self employed and has another office in the Bay area. She loves animals, has been married twice and has a grown daughter. Those, believe it of not, are real qualifications. (But still funny looking) I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt, everyone has a bad picture and looks better in reality. Right? She has another picture where she is wearing sun glasses and looks okay. I decided if I like her, we can have her eyes operated on to make them closer together, or perhaps a head vice?

She eventually sends me her phone number sighting her possession of multiple phones, cell phones, laptops, desktops and a CB radio. I called late last night to a smoker's voice that was so self absorbed that we never did discuss me. She told me she was married twice, for 2 years each and doesn't need a man in her life, that she's completely self sufficient and doesn't even want a man, except for sometimes when she's lonely, but is seldom lonely because her days are so full and happy.

I'm listening to her and analysing her real meaning and getting, someone come and help me, I'm so lonely but cannot give up and show dependence on someone else because they'll take advantage of me. She was sounding strong and assertive and terribly wounded. Sitting there listening to her, I made a decision. After a brief pause in our conversation, I said there really isn't any reason for us to be talking. You just told me that you have everything in life that you want and it does not include others, so I'll just say goodbye and wish you luck. She replied, okay, well you've got my number, if you feel like meeting for coffee after mulling it over, give me a call. I said goodbye and deleted her number! And she was on a dating service because.......?

Thursday, October 7, 2010

I Need................"3 ON YOUR SIDE"!!!

It's over 4 months since Dr. Lloyd drilled out my first tooth and a week later he did a root canal on a tooth that already had one years ago. He told me the first dentist missed the entire root and he was the dentist of my dreams. Only HE knew how to do the work properly and he had told me that he required $3500 to get my ailing mouth into shape. I found Dr. Lloyd by a referral from a friend, but never did the homework on him that would have advised me to run like hell! After checking with the AZ. Board of Dentistry, discovered that Dr. Lloyd had been reprimanded for everthing but abusing monkeys! It includes violations for dispensing pain killers in volume, doing work where no work was needed, double billing insurance companies and was required to enroll in Alcohol and Cocaine recovery programs, and he is a sexual addict to boot! If I had looked for a worse dentist, it would be hard to beat his record.

After Dr. Lloyd stopped answering my calls and that was almost as soon as I paid him, I was in pain and abandoned. When he did call me back, he was of no help. He prescribed Z-packs over and over again and my stomach was paying the price for this over-dose of antibiotics. Then he went back into the silent zone, where I'd call and get no response or reply. The last call of several said to call me back by noon that same day or I would go another route. Nothing!

Eventually, not knowing what else to do, I contacted a new dentist. I was not ready for his findings. Did you ever have someone give you bad news that they knew you weren't going to be happy to hear? They tend to prepare you for it. He had me sitting down, naturally. Then we talked about his career and how he got to this position in life. It was a great story until he told me that I had been medically abused by my previous dentist. He showed me where Dr. Lloyd drilled right through my roots into my jaw and then filled my jaw with dental filler. Not in one tooth, but all three that he had addressed. My new dentist used words like "medical malpractice and legal assistance". You NEVER heard doctors talk that way about one another. He also said he was willing to put it all in a letter and did. To remedy this situation, since I don't have enough bone to support crowns that Dr. Lloyd had sold me, but to remove the teeth in question and get plates or bridges. In other words, I have to have 4 teeth pulled out! Those teeth would be my molars that I need to chew.

My first plan of attack was to contact Chase Bank where I charged the $3500 and put the amount in dispute. That was over 30 days ago, but have not heard a word back yet. Then, I contacted the AZ Board of Dentistry and filed a complaint. Their first letter back, told me it would possibly take over a year, did I still want to go through with it? YES!

I've not heard a word from Dr Lloyd or the girl that worked for him to schedule an appointment. She has to part of his conspiracy, since when I call she doesn't answer the phone. Today, four months and 6 days since he first attacked my mouth and stole my money (or Chase Bank's) I got a text message that my crowns were finally in and to call for an appointment. I did nothing. My thoughts are, that he's by now been contacted by the bank and the Board of Dentistry and figured he'd better make an attempt at getting out of this. So he actually ordered the crowns in question. The problem is, I know he's a crook and a thief and that my jaw will not allow me to support crowns. I've had this confirmed, by the way, by yet a third reputable dentist. Just now and what motivated this post, was the phone call from his assistance Sabrina to call for my appointment. I didn't answer. Time to reverse the roles.

The Lovely Jules suggested I contact 3 On Your Side. I was almost going to do it, after all, she's my Costco wife!