Monday, February 28, 2011

Cute, Thin, Perky and Youthful...

I don't know if I should be angry or relieved that the madness is over. My membership at expired and will not be renewed anytime soon. This round lasted for a full year and the quality of the participants has waned considerably. Tonight's encounter was a good example of what happens.

Barbara lists her age at 57 on Match, but when I spotted her on Plenty of Fish, she listed it as 61. Being a numbers guy, I immediately smelled the proverbial "RAT". I decided to share my find with Barbara, thinking this might be a way to get acquainted. I wrote to her on Match and mention that I liked her better on Plenty of fish, because she was closer to my age there. She wrote back that she lies about her age because men my age won't go out with a woman 61, thus she claims to be 57. She assured me that when she speaks with the perspective date, the very first thing she tells them is her true age. (I wonder).(Now you see what's happened here. Because she has lied, now I'm doubting everything she claims!)

We eventually, after emailing several emails to one another, I spoke with her on the phone. She was cute and charming and I'd go so far as to say alluring. I was all pumped up about our date for this evening. We were supposed to meet at the Westin Hotel Keirland for cocktails at 5:45 PM. I'm always on time, but for some reason today I couldn't find the hotel easily and called right at 5:45 and Barb answered and told me she'd be in the entrance way watching for me.

The one thing that I want to stress, is that I told her that I really didn't care how old she was, as long as her pictures were accurate and she once again assured me they were recent. Now is it just me, or does this girl look to be in her late forties, possibly 50 and the oldest, okay 52? I'm only posting one picture, but in others she has listed, she looks cute, thin, perky and youthful. Skipping the "youthful", I'll accept the rest. I had to park about 2 city blocks away from the Westin, not knowing their valet parking was free, plus I'm driving a Toyota Corolla with crank windows, come on.

I whistled all afternoon and asked LJ if my hair was okay about 3 times. I was really looking forward to my date tonight. When I finished the 2 block trot to the hotel front door, I immediately spotted this old woman standing there smiling at me. Now take another look at her picture. Try moving all of her facial features DOWN about 1/4 inch and add a sagging throat and about 35 to 40 LBS in unwanted weight. Subtract perky, because perky no longer is a viable word for Barbara. Voila!......... My date!!!

Sunday, February 27, 2011

The Car that Wouldn't Leave the House...

Once upon a time in a land called Phoenix, there lived a car. It was a 1997 Buick Regal GS with a supercharger. It was a special car, as it looked like all of the others that were used primarily by the older crowd, but this car was special. It had the hard to find supercharger which made ever so quick! The year was 2003 and the car became available for sale, at a wholesale lot that the current owner frequented. The current owner, let's call him Mel, took it for a test drive and fell head over heals in love with this renegade car and so he bought it. Mel and the Regal became quick friends and romped and played all over the city streets and particularly liked getting out onto the open highway where Regal could feel free and play with all the other cars. Regal and Mel were fast becoming a "couple". One day about a year after Mel and Regal met, Mel was introduced to a 1985 Red Corvette that held a special attraction to Mel and was quickly acquired. The flashy Corvette boasted of a low mileage of only 42K, in spite of it's age of almost 20. That was in 2004. Regal was sadly kicked to the curb.

The years passed and although Regal was still part of the fleet and really not offered up for sale, she was isolated and left to her own devices. Upon Mel's retirement, Regal was asked to leave the fleet and find happiness with possibly another family. It's been over a year now, that Regal has been on the open market and although she gets many lookers, no one ever takes her home. Is she pouting, is she hopelessly in love with her current situation? I cannot answer that, but every time someone comes around, Regal develops a new ailment. Late last year she was almost sold when she developed fuel pump issues and complained until I bought her a new $500 fuel pump. Today a gentleman was coming over and no sooner do I inform her that she's going to have company, her power steering starts howling. I'm starting to think that she's trying to sabotage me with these misc. complaints and issues. I wonder if they have a for Buicks with an attitude!

Friday, February 25, 2011

Date Night.........Blech!

First, while getting ready for my so called "DATE" this afternoon, I got an email from an old friend that said, "Wayne Kohl died a few months ago". I immediately called Chuck to verify that it was true. He said he wasn't sure, but that's what he'd heard. Wayne had a heart attack and died right on the spot he was told and was just passing along the sad news. Wayne was quite a character and lead an interesting life, although I kind of lost track of him in the early 90's. I did stop to see him once around 2006 and he had opened the pawn shop on bell Road at 26th street. I never had the occasion to see him after that. I googled his name and came up with a mortuary and learned that he died on his 68th birthday, October 9th. He will be sadly missed.

So I continued getting dressed for a meeting with a lady named Susan. Susan is 61 and a NYC transplant. She's only been here 4 years and lives in Troon, a pleasant area of North Scottsdale. She is semi retired from the interior design business and specialized in decorating large office type buildings. Susan wanted to meet at a place she referred to as the Pita Grill. I couldn't find it when I tried to locate it on the Internet. She said it was in Desert Ridge Shopping Center, but Google placed it at 20 street and Indian School. Susan called me as I was on my way, fighting rush hour traffic, on the 101. She yelled into the phone that it's called the Pita Jungle and of course that made more sense. When I arrived, right on time at 4:30, Susan was nowhere to be found, so I took a table at the front of the restaurant and noticed that the roar of the place was awful. Everyone that had just gotten off of work for the weekend was sitting there just screaming at the person next to them. There seems to be a constant ROAR!

I looked around the room and decided that the only person to possibly be Susan was an old woman sitting with who appeared to be her daughter and "IF" she was Susan, I was going to sneak out unnoticed. I did the cell phone trick. I secretly dialed her number and waited to see if the woman answered her phone. It rang, she didn't move......... whew!
Just then Susan walked up to the table and smiled and said hello. It's funny how you know instantly if a person will work for you or not and sadly, it was NOT! Susan was short, dumpy 5'2" and plump. Her face was showing the labors of her age and for whatever reason, she reminded me of possible a friend of my grandmother's

I tried to be pleasant and enjoy a couple of hours away from the house, but Susan spoke under the roar and mostly I just nodded as if I could actually hear her. I suggested we get out of there after an embarrassing appetizer of 2 small shrimp with a saucer called Shrimp Aho. Not even the jumbo ones! Just 2! I paid the check and she sat there as if a guest, no offer of half, not that I'd take it, but its nice for a lady to offer something. She was parked right by the front door and she offered to drive to another place that was quieter. I was willing to go home and call it a miss, but she seemed hopeful. Ah, what the hell, I got in. She drove a Toyota convertible, cute red car. Little did I know that I was taking my life into my hands.

While driving through Desert Ridge, she disclosed to me that she's only been driving 3 years and that being from NYC, there was no reason to drive a car. While we chatted, I noticed that she drove right through 2 different stop signs and never even attempted to slow down. After the second one, I mention that she's blown 2 stops signs and she slamed on the brakes, as if to make up for them. The car behind us skidded and voiced him complaints as he drove past us. He too had a New York accent! She reminded me of when I took my step daughter driving around a parking lot to learn how to handle the car. Only the kid had better control! That's when I yelled, I'm DONE! She was startled and looked at me. I said, look! The dates going fine, but rush hour traffic is not the place to practice driving. How about taking me back to my car and we'll do this another time (we won't). She said, "You sure"? I was SOOOO sure!

Somehow we made it back to my car, where she parked right in the middle of the shopping center and and no one could pass from either direction. I reached over and tried to give her a little kiss goodbye, but felt a soft moooshey set of lips and again my mind went reeling back to my Bubbe (grandmother) who could suck a golf ball through a straw with her powerful lips...

The date was over and I'm afraid, so is Susan...

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Oh My Beloved Medicare...

As I sit here today, a mere 6 days before Medicare, I come to you appreciative. My last known health insurance payment was $800 a month for limited coverage after going a full year sans insurance because of extreme cost with limited benefits. Starting 6 days from now I'll have all of the benefits of the luxury insured for a mere $110 a month. A mere pittance compared to some costs. At some point with Cigna, I was getting poor coverage with discount doctors for $1300 a month when tragedy struck almost minutes after reducing my premium by $300 a month to a 80/20 program. That cost almost crippled me financially but I prevailed. Dumped my expensive money pit of a house and rented a small version of reality. That was a year ago and now I find myself residing in the unused portion of a friend's house that's also suffering from our labored economy. Let me not drift away from my topic though. GOD BLESS MEDICARE!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

The Dating Scene and Me...

My membership on is about to expire, about the same time I feel my inclinations about dating have, so it's perfect timing. I'm not sure if they push your profile as you come to the end of your time or if the Gods have looked down upon my unfavorably, but it seems I've attracted the bottom of the barrel. Either the ugly or the obese or the worn out, but they're coming my way. One lady whose screen name is Rubbish. How in the HELL do you chose a name like that, really? She wrote to me tonight that every time she feels like cheering herself up, she re-reads my profile and laughs like a hyena. She went on to tell me how she snorts through her nose, but I'm feeling a little nauseated tonight, so I won't continue. Not a pretty girl :( Right before Valentine's Day, I was bombarded with interested counterparts that seemed to fade away with the holiday. Others wrote and called and when I returned the calls and left messages, they never returned my calls back. Either way with about 10 to chose from, they all disappeared. One in particular insisted on making a date with me for the day after Valentine's Day, Tuesday. She was from Brooklyn, NY and sounded like someone that got here perhaps yesterday, full New York accent. It had been 4 days since our 2 hour conversation, when she had told me of the 3 men that gave her diamond rings recently. I suggested we sell them, but she continued to talk about herself. I texted her on Tuesday afternoon to confirm that she was still going to meet me at 5:30 and her reply was, "Who is this"? I guessed she wasn't coming! I still belong to the free ones like "Plenty of Fish" (home of the misspelled word), but seldom look there.

The Lovely Jules and I have settled into a pattern. I'm still waiting for the dust to settle around here. My moving mess still is prevailing in the garage, where I have commandeered the entire 3rd car position for my boxes of........"stuff". We've agreed to move the things I have in storage to that garage, since there doesn't seem that there will ever be a chance to put a car in there. In fact yesterday I placed an ad in AutoTrader for the SUPERCHARGED Buick Regal GS, that I've been saving for 8 plus years, but it seems that I'll never get around to enjoying it. Hell, the first time the Red 85 Corvette got driven in over a year was on the way over here!

My friend Barry in Florida asked me how LJ and I were getting along. Here was my reply:

You know the feeling when you tell your wife of 20 years that you want a divorce and you're moving out, but you can't move out for awhile?

He said, "Yeah, that's horrible and COLD.

I said, "That's the feeling"!

No, I'm only kidding, but anyone that thinks that friends can just move in together and everything will fall into place, may be mistaken. Like anything else, it takes a little "fine tuning"...

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Dawg Tawk...

So when I get home yesterday, the "flatmate" is gone. I really don't understand how she got the name "flatmate" because these days, she's anything but flat! She ran off for a weekend rendezvous with someone up in the high mountain trails of this great state. Last known destination Prescott Valley. On my computer there are precise instructions on how to handle both the dog and myself. There was an email. She had prepared 3 separate meals for Paws and purchased a T-bone steak and a frozen lasagna for me to fill the hungry hours until her return, sometime perhaps late Saturday or early Sunday.

Honestly, I like the alone time and it gives me a chance to do anything I want, without imposing. For example, today I'm going to change the oil on my car, since the garage is all mine for the weekend. Here lies the problem though. There's always a problem, isn't there? Paws, showing his deep and thorough love the his master goes into a hibernation phase and will not come out of his closet! He pouts and literally gets depressed when Julie is gone. As I write this, he is laying there all dejected and rejected and all of the other jecteds! He has not come out of his closet in 20 hours now! I'm worried and thinking kidney failure, heart attack, catatonic depression has taken over him. I texted LJ at about 9 AM, but no reply. She has one of those smart phones that goes dead every 5 hours, so I'm not suspecting anything but that, unless she's fallen off the mountain, her usual routine. Last week she fell down a flight of stairs trying to photograph a statue of Jesus and only stopped limping in time for this trip.

Okay, because I didn't finish writing my post, the end is good. LJ finally called, apologizing for not calling sooner and gave me the secret words to use on him. She said, "Ask him if he wants to go for a walk"? I did that and nothing happened. I left the closet and no sooner did I arrive in the kitchen, when I saw him waddle out the bedroom door to go to use the yard for a bathroom. All is saved in the lingering life of Pawpaw! He came back inside and looked at me as if he was expecting a walk. I dazzled him with a portion of pre-prepared steak and chicken in a KFC gravy. He ate, farted and headed back to his closet. Whew, crisis aborted!

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Stress Test...

Today I went for a stress test. I have to do one every year or so. It's named well, because it's very stressful. If you've not had one, first you're given an IV and they leave it hanging out of your arm. You constantly worry that you'll leak out all your blood, but it doesn't happen. Then they take ex-rays (pictures for 15 solid minutes and you have to keep your arms over your head and cannot move a muscle or the session is done over. (very uncomfortable position) Next your given something to drink and it mixes with the IV and you wait for 30 minutes while old people with walkers drag their asses around the room watching a cooking show on TV. (Very interesting). Finally, they call you and your attached to a machine with 200 connections, but first they shave your chest without warning. (They skip this phase on some women) Next you're introduced to the treadmill and you make friends at a very casual pace, however you soon find out the treadmill is your worst enemy, when suddenly it turns on you. (Glad I sold mine) In total, your on the killer treadmill about 7 1/2 minutes and my heart rate got up to 152, a new personal record, but I thought I was gonna vomit. Then I got dizzy and scared, while the tech kept saying, "You sure you're okay"? I replied, "I was fine till I started this crap"! Then it was back to the waiting room, but I missed out on the final recipe for cookies and will never know what to do with my yeast. Forced to drink more water, excuse myself to the rest room, come back in time for more pictures. So it's off with my shirt again, back on the table and another 15 minutes of listening to nothing, while my arms are aching over my head and going to sleep on me. "Ding" and my 15 minutes are up and it's back to the waiting room where suddenly there are interesting people discussing rattle snake bites. The bitch comes and gets me again and this time it's for my echo-cardiogram, basically an ultra sound of your heart. They smear you with Vaseline and some cross dressing butch with a crew cut and a chin beard discusses life for another half hour. You're done! Four hours total.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Living in a Closet...

Paws is the private pet of the Lovely Jules. He has been her pet for going on 20 years. In dog years, he's older than dirt. He lives a very simple lifestyle within the confines of LJ's closet. Don't misunderstand, as it's a palatial closet spanning to about 8 X 8 and is scented with the afterglow of perfumes and aromas of days gone by. Paws sleeps a lot, but gets up to eat and poop and enjoy the pleasures of a stroll. I'm told he still plays on occasion and just enjoys being the kind spirited soul that he is. He swims almost everyday, but needs help out of the pool. He knows not to swim when the Mercury is low like it is currently.

Last night, Paws came out of his closet, wandered into the family room, where I sat on my recliner watching a 48 Hour Mystery, looked at the couch where LJ usually sits and knits while she watches whatever is on TV, he turned and started towards his closet when he suddenly stopped, stooped and peed! He's done this twice now when he looks for LJ and she's not around. Evidently he get frustrated that she's out and rebels by literally getting pissed! After, there is no ceremony, he just goes back to his little dog cave, the closet.

Last night the Lovely Jules went out with a girlfriend. I stayed home and chatted with ladies online and otherwise filled the evening with various things. I read until about 2 AM and dozed off. At about 3 AM, worried that LJ still wasn't home, I exited my room, saw the lights were still on in the family room, turned, stooped and peed on the floor and went back to bed!

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Mr. and Mrs. Richard Elderly...

Computer Desk $250

Yesterday at about 10:30 AM, I got call from a gentleman about my computer desk for sale. From his voice and inability to take directions, I thought him to be in his 70's. When I began giving him instruction on how to find where my storage locker is, he said to hold on while he fetched his wife. She was in charge of taking directions. She was a pleasant woman and I told her how to find the place, as she was coming from quite far away. East Mesa, for you locals. She said she'd see me tomorrow morning around 10:30. I figured certainly someone would call prior. Last night was one of those nights that I could not fall asleep no matter what side I flipped to and flipping, I did often. I actually think I was up all night long. Until about 6 AM, anyway. I did fall asleep around that time and promptly at 11 AM, I jumped up, grabbed my phone and saw that I had 3 messages. First it was Mrs. Elderly saying they were on their way and were at Chaparral and the 101, and would see me in about 30 minutes. Message number 2 was from Mrs. Elderly saying they got off the 101 too soon and would probably be another 20 minutes. Call number 3 was from Richard Elderly, saying they were at my storage locker and no one there knows me by the name of Mel and since they don't know my last name, all they can do is wait and am I on the other side of the fenced in area waiting for them? I wanted to answer, "No, I'm still in bed"!

Now the question is, what do I do? Go back to sleep, that I really wanted to do. Or do I call them and see if I've blown it completely, or am I just in time. I called and started with the apology of the century. My phone never rang, I forgot to turn the ringer on this morning and if they were still there, I could meet them in 30 minutes??? Mrs. Elderly answered and said they COULD go to McDonalds and have breakfast??? I suggested the egg McMuffin and flew from the bed to the shower. I got in only long enough to wet my hair and my memory and ran for the tooth brush, still dripping from cold water. Fifteen minutes of my precious 30 were used up as I started the hair dryer. Bam, it was yesterday's clothes and as I was running out the door, LJ said she made coffee, do I want a cup for the road. No time, I yelled as I grabbed a bottle of water and flew out the door. As I exited at 7th Ave and the 101, I checked my watch and I was 1 minute away from my destination and 1 minute was what I needed. I got caught by the light at Union Hills and that wasted my last precious minute, but I could see the lot was empty from there and had they just decided to teach me a lesson? I pulled in and parked and call the 612 area code and was prepared for someone to either not answer or answer and ask me how I like being stood up? Instead, it was Mrs Elderly saying they were just pulling out of McDonalds and they'd be there in a minute. Sixty seconds later the red truck pulled in and they were as nice and friendly as could be.

They followed me to the locker and got out and hmmmed and hawwwwed and finally said, "It ain't worth no $250, but I'll give ya $175 for her".... Being the fast thinker that I am, I thought, I'm only asking $200 and this poor guy thinks it's $250! I grabbed my chin and said, "Tell ya what I'll do. Since I was so inconsiderate and making you call me so many times, you can have it for $200". He reached his hand into his pocket and came out with 2 one hundred dollar bills. Sold, he said as we negotiated it into his red truck.

Now, he had a 1 hour ride back to the trailer park where they were staying and I had 10 minutes to get home and take down that ad, before he came home and realized he paid the full asking price. I sped home and found my ad and to my surprise, I WAS asking $250, who knew??? Humph!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Eskimo Girl Grilling...

It seems that the rest of the country is suffering from exceptionally inclement weather, but it doesn't seem to bother us here in sunny Phoenix, AZ. Our high today was only 44 degrees and the coldest it's ever been on this date, ever and the 11th coldest day in the history of weather record keeping, but that didn't bother us either. Above is a picture of the Lovely Jules shivering her ass off, as she prepares dinner for Paws and me.